These are the spells of the master mage Retep, penned by his own hand devised by his own incredible mind... but... whatever happened to the Astounding Retep?
Retep's Contagious Dance with the Fairies
Upon casting, the mage suddenly begins an uncontrollable dancing jig. There is no music - well at least that anyone else can hear, but nevertheless the caster continues to move in the most spasmodic, disjointed and downright disturbing way for 2d4 rounds. During this time, she is extremely hard to hit and gains a +6 AC bonus but cannot do anything except this strange, alluring dance except maybe accompany it with grunts, oohs, aahs and perhaps a little singing.
Anyone who attacks the mage risks getting caught up in the magical dance. They must make a saving throw vs wands or be compelled to join in the dance for the duration of the spell. Dance partners - as they become - cannot act, only dance, adding their own weird movements into the mix. They too gain a +6 AC bonus and any who attack them risk joining the frivolities too.
Retep's Massive Frog Jump
When cast, the mage can make a single jump up to fifteen foot upwards and across, while gribbeting like a frog. The leap can be over obstacles and other creatures and the caster always lands safely, albeit in an embarrassing heap!
Retep's Spinning Bastard Beard
Duration: 1 round per level.
Upon completion of the spell, the caster's beard grows to extraordinary lengths and hardens into sharp points at the end and begins whipping around like a propeller. The Spinning Bastard Beard grants an extra melee attack per round to the mage, which inflicts d3 damage and automatic knockback on any enemy it hits. If the wizard forgoes all other attacks, he may powerswing the Bastard Beard.
Retep's Flash of Inspiration
Many people suffer from a lack of ideas when confronted with an unusual problem. In such a situation, this spell proves invaluable. Upon casting, the mage faces the dumbfounded individual in question and lifts (or opens) his robes. Something, previously hidden, is revealed!
Whatever happened to Retep?
The mage points at a target after completing the spell and says simply 'You... or me?'. Roll a d3. On a 3, the target is instantly and irrecovably destroyed and can never be raised and is replaced with a bowl of petunias. On a 2, the mage and the target simply switch places and there is a distinct whiff of Old Spice in the air. On a 1, the caster is instantly destroyed, except for her boots, which simply smoulder.